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Generation Kill Fic: Nate the Pimp [Dec. 4th, 2008|02:43 pm]
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Fandom: Generation Kill
Pairing: Brad/Nate
Rating: NC-17
Notes: The second piece of crack for [info]hackthis. I know. I am ridiculously slow! I swear I'll be faster with the next six.
Summary: Nate hadn’t meant to become a pimp. It was an accident based on his natural inclination towards doing good works and his need to help people. That was his story and he was sticking to it.



This was not the life that Nate Fick had imagined for himself.

At seven, he had decided he was going to be a fireman. He had trained all the neighborhood kids into a volunteer fire fighting force. That career had been cut short by his parents when he set fire to the backyard as part of a practice run. Everything was under control and it would have all been fine if his parents had let them finish fighting the fire.

For a while, he had been wanted to be a spy, and then he had decided that he wanted to be president of the United States, and after that he had come up with the brilliant idea of combining the two together. His goal had been to become the world’s first spy president.

He had always know that his future didn’t involve putting on a suit and going into an office. About that, he had been completely right.

Nate liked taking care of people. Not in a baking them cookies and giving them a hug kind of way, and not in a I need to cure you doctor kind of way, He had never been interested in putting band-aids on people, and medicine was only interesting when it was one of those medical shows on television and there was blood spurting out of someone’s leg.

He liked solving problems. He liked making people’s lives easier. He liked it when people looked up to him and trusted him. He liked keeping people safe.

This is exactly why Nate should have just ignored his next door neighbor’s problems. Nate should have known that he wouldn’t be able to resist getting involved, but there had been yelling and some very suspicious sounding crashes, and Nate hadn’t thought, he had just gone over there with a baseball bat and no clue at all what he was going to do with it. He had just known that his neighbor was a nice guy who shared his leftover pizza and would proofread Nate’s papers if he bribed him with beer.

One busted door, a broken coffee table, and a hasty exit by a very sketchy looking man later, Nate was sitting at his neighbor’s kitchen table with an ice pack on one hand and a beer in the other hand listening to a story that Nate would have said sounded like it was from My Own Private Idaho, except Nate had only seen that movie because his girlfriend at the time had wanted to watch it, and he had fallen asleep after the first ten minutes.

That should have been it. Nate had done his good deed for the week. He should have let his neighbor go back to his bizarre life and Nate should have gone back to his own much more boring one.

Nate, however, couldn’t let it go. It wasn’t a moral issue with selling sex for money; it was just if you were going to do something like that, you should do it right. His neighbor clearly had no common sense at all and was going to get himself killed. That was unacceptable.

So Nate asked a couple of questions, and then made a couple of suggestions, and then made a few inquiries following up on his suggestions, because if he was going to investigate something, he was going to do it properly.

The PowerPoint presentation was just to keep all his notes in order.

Suddenly people were showing up on his doorstep looking for work, and Nate had been kind of curious if his theories would work in practice, so he had told them, that yes, he did have work for them.

Nate hadn’t meant to become a pimp. It was an accident based on his natural inclination towards doing good works and his need to help people. That was his story and he was sticking to it.

Nate liked to refer to his operation as The Service. He thought it was a funny joke though no one else seemed to think so.

For the most part, Nate was happy with his unexpected career. He wasn’t a spy, or the president, or a fire fighter, but he had a good operation. His employees were happy and well taken care of. His business made good money and he could tell himself that he was providing a valuable service to the community.

Everything was fine in Nate’s life, totally bizarre, but fine, and then Brad came along.

Nate had most definitely not hired him. Nate had a careful screening process involving references and extensive interviews. Brad had just shown up one day and announced that he was going to work for Nate.

Brad was apparently some sort of legend. A legend at what, Nate did not want to know. He tried to remain as ignorant as possible as to the actual details at what went on between his employees and their clients.

If you went by the gossip, when Brad wasn’t prostituting himself, he was a superhero. Brad saved kittens from trees, fixed cars, knew three forms of karate, helped old ladies across the street, and also made amazing nachos.

It’s not that Nate didn’t like Brad; Brad was fundamentally impossible to dislike. It was j that Nate tried hard to keep a certain distance between himself and his job, and Brad made it very difficult. He was just always around being helpful. He cleared all the spyware off of Nate’s computer and was able to do something to his cell phone so that he started getting all his calls for free. And while Nate was good at the big picture, at keeping everyone physically safe and keeping things running smoothly, he wasn’t so good at dealing with people one on one. He just didn’t get why no one else seemed to view the world in the same logical, rational way he did. Brad, however, was great with people. Nate didn’t entirely get why. Brad wasn’t friendly or talkative or really all that nice, but everyone trusted him and did what he said.

By most ways of thinking, Brad was the perfect employee. It was just that Nate had very detailed plans about how this operation was supposed to work and his plans had not accounted for Brad.

Nate couldn’t have his job without having a very open view about sex. He was very much okay with anything that happened between consenting adults, but he was not okay with anything happening to him and he was most definitely not okay with Brad happening to him, no matter what Brad looked like on the days that Brad came over to Nate’s to see if he could work on his bike in Nate’s garage because Nate’s garage was nicer and he had better tools.

Nate had some very simple rules about his sex life. He didn’t fuck prostitutes and he didn’t fuck employees. And Brad was both a prostitute and an employee, so therefore Nate couldn’t have sex with him. It was simple and straightforward and Nate should have been able to have an excellent working relationship with an exemplary employee.

Brad just had this way of looking at Nate like he was both laughing at him and figuring out the best way to tie him to a bed that made Nate totally incapable of rational thought when Brad was around. Nate wasn’t used to not being able to think clearly.

Being jealous and possessive were not good traits for a pimp if you wanted to run a successful business in the long term. Nate cared about all of his employees and wanted them to have successful and happy futures, but e never thought about their private lives and he very deliberately never thought about what went on between his employees and their clients and long as everyone was satisfied and all the money was paid in full.

Brad, however, was different. Brad would come over to Nate’s apartment after a job with his jeans still unbuttoned smelling of sex. He’d stand in Nate’s kitchen drinking milk out of the carton, and then he’d wipe his mouth with his hand and look at Nate like he was daring Nate to do something. Nate would send Brad home and then go into his bedroom and jerk off while thinking about anything but the way it would feel to have Brad’s hands on his dick instead of his own, or what it would be like to have Brad watching him with his smug, know-it-all expression. He’d make Brad lick his hand clean when he was done.

This was why he couldn’t get any work done when Brad was around.

Nate couldn’t stop thinking about him. He wondered where he had grown up, if this was the life Brad had always imagined for himself or if he had wanted to be a fireman too. Mostly, he wondered if Brad enjoyed his work and what exactly Brad did that made people so willing to pay his prices.

Nate didn’t ask because he knew that Brad would be delighted to tell him in very graphic detail. Nate just checked up on Brad far more than necessary and thought longingly of his baseball bat as he watched another satisfied customer leave Brad’s place.

Nate started finding excuses for Brad not to work. His computer was broken, his car needed to be fixed, someone needed Brad’s help. They were all legitimate reasons, but Nate didn’t delude himself. He was being petty and stupid, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

He wasn’t at all surprised to find Brad sitting against his front door when he returned home late one night.

“Go home, Brad,” Nate ordered as he unlocked his door.

Brad followed him inside.

Nate sighed. “What do you want?”

“Ideally, I want you or more specifically your mouth on my dick followed by your dick up my ass. After that, I’m a bit hazy on the details, but I’m thinking something involving you, me, a bed, some handcuffs, and you screaming my name so loud that the neighbors think about calling the cops. If I can’t have that, then I want to know why the hell you won’t let me do my job.”

“I don’t have sex with employees,” Nate said. He was shocked that he was able to get the words out. His brain was still stuck somewhere around the handcuffs.

“So if you can’t have sex with me, then no one can?” Brad asked. He didn’t sound angry, just curious.

“No,” Nate said trying to gain some sort of control of the situation, “You don’t understand.”

“Explain it to me,” Brad demanded. He was crowding into Nate’s personal space and Nate kept on taking small steps backwards until his back was up against the wall.

Nate did not like being intimidated or pushed around, even by Brad, so he just stared back at Brad and tried to gain control of his breathing and his growing need to shove Brad to the floor and climb on top of him.

Brad took a tiny step back. “Please explain it to me,” Brad asked. His smile was mocking, but his eyes were intently searching Nate’s face for something.

“If I did have sex with you, then no one else could,” Nate explained.

“Okay,” Brad said and suddenly the small amount of space that Brad had given him was completely gone.

“Okay, what?” Nate asked.

“I quit.” Brad said and then licked Nate’s neck.

“You can’t!” Nate protested.

“Why? Are you going to fire me?” Brad asked and then slowly bit down on the piece of skin he had just been licking.

“Yes!” Nate moaned. “Wait… no! Why would I fire you?”

“I’m terrible at my job,” Brad explained as he unfastened the button on Nate’s jeans.

“I’ve never heard any complaints,” Nate protested.

“I sexually harass the boss,” Brad said and pushed down Nate’s jeans and grabbed hold of his dick.

“I don’t think he minds,” Nate gasped.

“I think,” Brad whispered into Nate’s ear, “that after tonight, I’m going to be ruined for any clients. I can’t do my job if I’m thinking of someone else the entire time.”

“What about a promotion?” Nate asked. “I’ve been thinking about expanding the business and I could use a partner.”

“You’re just saying that because you want to fuck me,” Brad said into Nate’s neck.

Nate closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Brad, go into my bedroom, take off all your clothes, and don’t say another word until I say so.”

Brad smiled. “I’ll get the handcuffs!”

Nate smiled back. This was nothing like the life he had imagined for himself, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: [info]hackthis
2008-12-04 08:51 pm (UTC)

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MINE! MINE! MINE! *pauses Merlin viewing to read*
[User Picture]From: [info]hackthis
2008-12-04 09:02 pm (UTC)

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That career had been cut short by his parents when he set fire to the backyard as part of a practice run. Everything was under control and it would have all been fine if his parents had let them finish fighting the fire.


Oh, crap, you started off with wee!Nate. Okay, fine, you win. What do you want? My ovaries? Fingers? Dude! wee!Nate fighting fires! And setting the backyard on FIRE! Shit, you know how badly I want to write wee!Brad and Wee!Nate now? I hateses you, except not.

His goal had been to become the world’s first spy president.

Oh, Nate smartest, most brilliant awesome little boy ever. I have to write the Brad & Nate do high school thing don't I? Damnit.

It wasn’t a moral issue with selling sex for money; it was just if you were going to do something like that, you should do it right. His neighbor clearly had no common sense at all and was going to get himself killed. That was unacceptable.


Jesus Christ.

Dear Nate,

Plz be my pimp.

Love,
X

The PowerPoint presentation was just to keep all his notes in order.

::continues to be dead:: I TOLD YOU THE WI-FI IN HEAVEN WAS AWESOME!

If you went by the gossip, when Brad wasn’t prostituting himself, he was a superhero. Brad saved kittens from trees, fixed cars, knew three forms of karate, helped old ladies across the street, and also made amazing nachos.

I had water halfway to my mouth. I stop and put it back on the desk lest there be an accident.

and he was most definitely not okay with Brad happening to him, no matter what Brad looked like on the days that Brad came over to Nate’s to see if he could work on his bike in Nate’s garage because Nate’s garage was nicer and he had better tools.

That is dirty pool. That is Dirty High School AU POOL!

He’d make Brad lick his hand clean when he was done.


So. It'a a good thing that I was already dead or that'd've killed me.

“Ideally, I want you or more specifically your mouth on my dick followed by your dick up my ass. After that, I’m a bit hazy on the details, but I’m thinking something involving you, me, a bed, some handcuffs, and you screaming my name so loud that the neighbors think about calling the cops. If I can’t have that, then I want to know why the hell you won’t let me do my job.”

I feel like we have pretty much cornered the market on permutations of this idea. Do you think that too? Tie'em up and let them at it.

And then I died AGAIN. Seriously. I really did. OMG! ILU! U ARE THE BESTEST EVER! OKAY, I WILL MAKE THE FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL THING WORK! U WIN!

[User Picture]From: [info]linaerys
2008-12-04 09:17 pm (UTC)

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Yay, Merlin!
From: [info]wrennette
2008-12-04 08:58 pm (UTC)

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where is nate's firm based, damn it! i need to know so i can go ah..... handle some business.

this made me smile in all sorts of wonderful ways.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 12:53 am (UTC)

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Hee!

Thank you! I'm glad I could make you smile. It was a fun story to write :)
[User Picture]From: [info]linaerys
2008-12-04 09:16 pm (UTC)

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Apparently my new reaction to incredible hotness is to want to bang on my desk with my fist, and this story made me do that in spades. The bland way Brad just says what he wants is panty-igniting.

And the rest is so cute and them, and exactly how Nate would accidentally end up a pimp. He really could!
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 12:52 am (UTC)

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Thank you :)

I really think Nate would make an awesome pimp. He would never entirely get the lifestyle and all the other pimps would hate him, but he would have the most loyal employees and customers ever, and he would have Brad watching his back, so it would be all good.

And apparently I am watching Merlin tonight.
[User Picture]From: [info]rascalthemutant
2008-12-04 10:24 pm (UTC)

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I love this! Little Nate is too cute. And Brad...*sigh* This was wonderful. I hope you have many, many more awesome AU ideas.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 12:51 am (UTC)

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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! I just love Brad and Nate so much I could write about them forever.

Next up is Secret Service Agent Colbert and President Fick.
[User Picture]From: [info]busarewski
2008-12-04 10:51 pm (UTC)

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Brad, however, was different. Brad would come over to Nate’s apartment after a job with his jeans still unbuttoned smelling of sex. He’d stand in Nate’s kitchen drinking milk out of the carton, and then he’d wipe his mouth with his hand and look at Nate like he was daring Nate to do something. Nate would send Brad home and then go into his bedroom and jerk off while thinking about anything but the way it would feel to have Brad’s hands on his dick instead of his own, or what it would be like to have Brad watching him with his smug, know-it-all expression. He’d make Brad lick his hand clean when he was done.

Guh!!

That paragraph just killed me with hotness and longing and want. The boys are just too much. Nate! And Brad, just telling Nate what he wants. Fantastic
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 12:50 am (UTC)

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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed. It was tons and tons of fun to write :)
[User Picture]From: [info]elzed
2008-12-05 12:08 am (UTC)

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Oh fabulous! Cracktastic!

I'll get the handcuffs!"

This whole story had me ROFLMAOing. Also, hot!
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 12:45 am (UTC)

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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! I have become very attached to Nate the Pimp.
[User Picture]From: [info]sarkastic
2008-12-05 12:19 am (UTC)

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Okay, wow. Nate is the most noble pimp in history. And you are, yet again, awesome.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 12:44 am (UTC)

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He totally has team building days and everyone is all, "what the fuck do we need team building for" but they go anyway because they all Nate and if they didn't go Brad would be sad, and no one wants sad Brad.
[User Picture]From: [info]alethialia
2008-12-05 12:58 am (UTC)

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Everything was under control and it would have all been fine if his parents had let them finish fighting the fire.

Yes, because wee!Nate had it ALL PLANNED OUT. Silly parents, always ruining things.

It wasn’t a moral issue with selling sex for money; it was just if you were going to do something like that, you should do it right. His neighbor clearly had no common sense at all and was going to get himself killed. That was unacceptable.

Because if you are going to do something, you damn well better do it superbly!

If you went by the gossip, when Brad wasn’t prostituting himself, he was a superhero. Brad saved kittens from trees, fixed cars, knew three forms of karate, helped old ladies across the street, and also made amazing nachos.

Yes! Because he's providing a community service, too! Their love is SO meant to be!

Brad would come over to Nate’s apartment after a job with his jeans still unbuttoned smelling of sex. He’d stand in Nate’s kitchen drinking milk out of the carton, and then he’d wipe his mouth with his hand and look at Nate like he was daring Nate to do something.

Jesus fucking GUH!

He’d make Brad lick his hand clean when he was done.

Okay, I'm dead. You've killed me with the hot.

“Ideally, I want you or more specifically your mouth on my dick followed by your dick up my ass. After that, I’m a bit hazy on the details, but I’m thinking something involving you, me, a bed, some handcuffs, and you screaming my name so loud that the neighbors think about calling the cops. If I can’t have that, then I want to know why the hell you won’t let me do my job.”

Sooo dead.

“I quit.” Brad said and then licked Nate’s neck.

Just like that, easy as anything. I have SO MUCH LOVE.

“Brad, go into my bedroom, take off all your clothes, and don’t say another word until I say so.”

And then he orders Brad around. Did I mention how I have SO MUCH LOVE? Because I do. You write the bestest crack.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 03:18 pm (UTC)

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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! I'm a bit in love with Nate the Pimp and his PowerPoint Presentations.

Just like that, easy as anything.
I honestly don't know why Nate ever tries to resist Brad. It's just silly and he's quality sex time.
[User Picture]From: [info]mydocuments
2008-12-05 03:41 am (UTC)

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I AM MEANT TO BE DRIVING TO IOWA RIGHT NOW, BUT I AM READING YOUR CRACKPORN INSTEAD!!!

OMG.

::Copious amounts of keysmashing and flailing::

Ikkle Nate fighting fires!

Nate as a spy president!

Nate as a pimp with Powerpoint skillz!

Brad as the best prostitute around (and how exactly does he earn that name Iceman... the world may never know).

He’d make Brad lick his hand clean when he was done.

Hi, I just want you to know that my ovaries imploded. Thanks.

“I sexually harass the boss,” Brad said and pushed down Nate’s jeans and grabbed hold of his dick.

“I don’t think he minds,” Nate gasped.

AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN EVERY WORLD IN WHICH BRAD AND NATE ARE TOGETHER. HOLY SHIT.

Brad smiled. “I’ll get the handcuffs!”

Oh god, yes please.

You have broken my brain so much that I had to resort to ALL CAPS. Holy poop.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 03:22 pm (UTC)

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I'VE LIVED IN IOWA! PORN IS BETTER! (Okay, I actually love Iowa, but nothing is better than Brad and Nate)

Yay for broken brains! Brains are highly overrated anyway.

Glad you enjoyed :)
[User Picture]From: [info]glass_sugar
2008-12-05 04:05 am (UTC)

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Awesome.

*throws a gift basket at your head and runs away cackling*
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 03:25 pm (UTC)

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Yay gift baskets! Is there chocolate? Are Brad and Nate inside?

Thank you :)
[User Picture]From: [info]shoshannagold
2008-12-05 08:59 am (UTC)

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It was just that Nate had very detailed plans about how this operation was supposed to work and his plans had not accounted for Brad. That's an awesome summary of pretty much every Colbert/Fic ever! Poor Nate. (Except not really, because he gets Brad at the end of the day, no matter how awry his life may be.)

Honestly, I had my doubts about Nate the Pimp. But this was hilarious and convincing, in the way that the best crack is, and I can't wait to see what comes next in the Eight Assorted Days of Birth Crack Festivities!
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-05 03:28 pm (UTC)

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Eight Assorted Days of Birth Crack Festivitie
Ha! Okay, that is my new official name for this :)

And thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed!
[User Picture]From: [info]hyathin
2008-12-05 02:38 pm (UTC)

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Oh, Nate, When will you expand your business? Just tell me~~

But, I don't think you have enough time to do this~~hahaha~~

Brad, nice job!
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-16 04:29 am (UTC)

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It's just a fundamental rule of life, Nate will always give in to Brad, eventually.
[User Picture]From: [info]cityatsea
2008-12-06 05:28 am (UTC)

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oh my god JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THE CRACK COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET CRACKIER.

this is amazing beyond belief - NATE. A PIMP. and yet. it fits so perfectly with his rational, pragmatic nature aldksjadf

your characterizations are spot-on and perfectly hilarious despite the transplant - childhood firefighting!Nate is incredibly endearing, and man, I would totally vote for wee spy-president Nate. :< ♥ and superhero-on-the-side!Brad! just, gjalksfd.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-16 04:30 am (UTC)

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JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THE CRACK COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET CRACKIER
I think one of my life goals is to push the bounds of crack as far as they can go.

And thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed!
[User Picture]From: [info]lexx
2008-12-06 11:06 am (UTC)

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Okay, no more threadjacking.

I want to wrap my arms around this story and hug it to bits. And, er. Possibly do other things. Ahem.

Nate would TOTALLY be the Best Pimp Evar, and I love how Brad just *happens* to Nate. Like, well, shit, except INFINITELY MORE DESIRABLE. There's no fighting him, Nate, you just gotta roll with him.

Or order him to your room to get naked and wait there for you to have your wicked way with him. *DED*
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-16 04:32 am (UTC)

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There's no fighting him, Nate, you just gotta roll with him.

Exactly. There is no resisting the awesome power of Brad.

And thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed :)
[User Picture]From: [info]smithereen
2008-12-15 06:20 pm (UTC)

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This is the single most adorable fic about prostitution ever! Hee. Oh, Nate. With his power point presentations! And Brad. Who makes awesome nachos when he isn't using his masterful skills in the art of sexual fu! So much fun. So much cute. I couldn't stop grinning.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-16 04:27 am (UTC)

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This is the single most adorable fic about prostitution ever!
I am very honored to have that title.

And yay!!!! Thank you! I'm glad I could make you grin!
[User Picture]From: [info]green_postit
2008-12-22 01:32 am (UTC)

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Ok, so, why has there not been the sequel where we get to find out exactly what happened in the bedroom, yet?

Q, this is unacceptable. *gets ready to bribe you*
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2008-12-24 03:59 am (UTC)

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Like with all things, I got distracted by Yuletide, but I still need to write four more stories in the crack series, so there will totally be more fic.

[User Picture]From: [info]nicolasechs
2009-01-04 08:49 am (UTC)

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Have I told you how much I love your crackfic? Oh, well, have some more!

I *adore* wee!Nate and capable!Nate and possessive!Nate and kinky!Nate. I want a collectible set of Nates!

And I also love how, in any and every universe, for Brad Colbert, there's Nate and there's everyone else.

Just... wonderful. Thank you for feeding my burgeoning AU GK addiction!
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2009-01-05 02:29 am (UTC)

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I want a collectible set of Nates!
So do I!

Thank you for feeding my burgeoning AU GK addiction!
It's the very best kind of addiction.

And thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed.

[User Picture]From: [info]robjlea
2009-06-08 07:51 pm (UTC)

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"The PowerPoint presentation was just to keep all his notes in order."

This is perfect. Is it something he shows to new hires? Is there an orientation with working for Nate? Nate's Sex Worker Boot Camp?

Great fic.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2009-06-09 12:37 pm (UTC)

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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed. And, ha! I love the idea of Sex Worker Boot Camp!
[User Picture]From: [info]oxoniensis
2009-06-26 07:18 am (UTC)

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I was all, hmmm, Nate the pimp? Rly? And then I read:

Nate, however, couldn’t let it go. It wasn’t a moral issue with selling sex for money; it was just if you were going to do something like that, you should do it right. His neighbor clearly had no common sense at all and was going to get himself killed. That was unacceptable.

And hee, yes!

This is why I trust you to bring the best crack.
[User Picture]From: [info]sparky77
2009-06-28 04:49 am (UTC)

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Hee. It doesn't matter when job Nate has. He's always going to be adorably earnest and ridiculously good at it.