| Supernatual Fic: bang bang (my baby shot me down) |
[Jan. 11th, 2010|05:45 pm] |
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG
Notes: Huge thanks to ![[info]](http://l-files.livejournal.net/userhead/489?v=1321864160) oxoniensis for the beta, Title from the song, about 4000 words.
Summary: Something shatters and the world goes red
i.
She snaps her gum in an irregular rhythm.
If Castiel hadn’t already been to Hell, he would think that this was it: sitting in an old, wooden chair with no clue how he got here watching this woman type aggressively and chew her gum.
He’s tried to get up. He’s walked out of the room into a long narrow corridor, walked for what seemed like hours, and ended up right back in this office.
She glances up every once in a while, looks at him with hollow eyes and a fake smile, and says: “It will be just a minute, honey,” and then goes back to snapping her gum and typing. The paper doesn’t ever move in the typewriter. The gum in her mouth never seems to get stale.
“Why am I here?” he demands. He’s asked seven hundred and sixty-two times before and not gotten an answer, but it’s the only thing he can think to do.
This time, however, she pauses in her typing, blows a bubble, and looks at him with a frown.
Her lips are painted a bright pink and she has lipstick on her teeth. Castiel wonders if he should say something about it.
“Fill this out,” she says pushing a badly typed form and broken pencil to Castiel.
Castiel glances down. “This is a missing persons report.”
She nods. “You’re missing someone, right?”
“I’m searching for God.”
She rolls her eyes. “Then fill out the form.”
Castiel starts reading. “I can’t fill this out. God has no physical description. I don’t know what his mental state was when he went missing.”
“Fill out what you can, honey.”
“I don’t know anything!” Castiel says.
“If you can’t fill out the form, then he must not really be missing,” she says and then looks at him with something that might be pity. “Have you considered that God doesn’t want to be found?”
“No!” Castiel says. “No, this isn’t right. Why am I here?”
“Maybe this is just a dream,” she suggests as she goes back to typing.
“No. Angels don’t dream.”
“Then I guess this is real. Fill out the form or leave. I have work to do.”
For a second everything in the room shifts and Castiel feels like he’s hurtling down a tunnel very fast, but then everything stabilizes and he’s back in the office. He blinks.
The woman frowns at him. “If you’re going to be sick, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“I don’t know how to leave.”
The woman sighs and snaps her gum especially loud. “Sir, I’m going to have to have you forcibly removed.”
“Fine.”
She opens a desk drawer, rummaging around, pulling out napkins, ketchup packets, several bags of M&Ms, a nail clippers, and finally with a grunt of triumph, pulls out the Colt and aims it at Castiel.
“That’s not real,” Castiel says. “That can’t be real.”
The woman shrugs. “It will get you out of here. Can’t have anyone upsetting the routine.”
She pulls the trigger.
There’s a whooshing noise. Castiel blinks. And then faintly in the distance he hears:
Bang. Bang.
And then laughter.
ii.
When he opens his eyes, he’s in a field. In the distance he can see what looks like a ramshackle motel. There are a few cars in the parking lot and two boys chasing each other. The boys’ path brings them closer to Castiel.
“Hey, mister!” one of the boys shouts as they approach him.
Castiel doesn’t want to look. He knows who they are and he doesn’t want to see.
“Mister!” the boy says again.
Castiel sighs. It’s not like he’s ever been able to ignore that voice.
He turns and looks. “What is it, Dean?”
Seven-year-old Dean looks up at him with a frown. “How did you know my name?”
It hurts to look at him. Castiel isn’t sure why, but it does. “You were shouting at each other. You’re Dean. And that’s Sam.” Castiel says pointing to the younger boy standing a few steps behind Dean.
Sam grins at him and then shoves Dean. “Dummy.”
Castiel watches them wrestle for a few moments wishing he could be anywhere but here. There’s a sense of fragileness about this, a feeling that any second now things are going to start going terribly wrong. Castiel is afraid that any sudden movements will bring this entire world crumbling down.
Dean looks up from where he has Sam pinned the ground. He’s smiling and laughing, but his eyes are guarded, challenging. Castiel stares back at him. It hurts so much to look into those eyes, but he can’t turn away.
Sam takes advantage of Dean’s distraction to roll away. His face is streaked with dirt and he has a cut lip. Castiel wants to reach out and wipe the blood away.
“Mister,” Dean says, “You’re weird.”
Castiel nods. “So you often say.”
“How did you get here?” Dean demands. “Who are you? Are you a monster?”
Castiel shakes his head. “Not a monster, Dean.”
Dean frowns. “Are you one of those perverts? Because we saw this movie and there was this guy…”
Castiel stops paying attention to Dean and looks towards the horizon. There’s something there. He knows it. Something he’s supposed to be doing before it’s too late.
“… and so that’s why you’re not supposed to walk in an alley by yourself or take candy from strangers, but I think it’s okay for me because I know how to shoot a gun and if anyone bothers Sammy or me, I can just shoot them.”
The world flashes red for a moment and all Castiel can see is blood.
“Mister, are you okay?” Dean asks.
Castiel closes his eyes and when he opens them again, everything looks normal.
“Are you in trouble?” he asks. “I can help. I know how to kill all sorts of things. Sam can’t help though. He’s too young. And he’s scared of spiders.”
“Am not!” Sam protests. “I can help too!”
“I’m fine. I don’t need any help.”
“If you say so,” Dean frowns, but after a moment he smiles. “Wanna see something cool?”
Castiel definitely does not, but saying no to Dean is hard enough under normal circumstances. Saying no to seven-year-old Dean is impossible. “Fine.”
“Watch this,” Dean orders.
Dean and Sam line up like two duelers and take three steps away from each other.
Castiel can see that the guns in their hands aren’t real. Dean’s is made of green plastic and Sam’s is orange, but he still wants to yell at them to stop.
“On three!” Dean shouts.
Sam giggles on two and spins around before Dean says three, shooting Dean in the face with a stream of water.
“I win!” Sam laughs.
“Cheater!” Dean snaps, but he’s laughing too.
“Let’s do it again,” Sam begs.
“No!” Castiel says. “Please.”
Dean and Sam and look at him with wide eyes. “It’s just water,” Dean says, shooting an arc of water out of his gun.
“Yeah,” Sam says. “Let’s do it again. And again. And again. And again!”
“No,” Castiel says.
Sam frowns at him “It doesn’t hurt.” He’s pointing his gun at Castiel, but it’s no longer an orange plastic water gun. The Colt is suddenly there, looking absurdly huge in his small hands.
“Sammy, wait!” Dean shouts.
Sam laughs and pulls the trigger. “Bang. Bang.”
Everything freezes. There’s a bullet in the air, but somehow Sam is back to holding a regular water gun.
It’s Dean’s eyes, however, that are holding Castiel’s attention. They’re wide and panicked, but that’s not what Castiel is fixated on. There’s something else there, something like resignation, like he’s been expecting everything to go wrong. It’s not a look you’re supposed to see in the eyes of a child.
And suddenly Castiel gets it. He understands why it hurts so much to look into Dean’s eyes and why this place fills him with so much fear. It’s like being trapped in that moment right before the tray drops and all the glasses break. It’s knowing something awful is going to happen and knowing you can’t do anything about it. It’s the look Dean has in his eyes all the time, even now, when he’s only seven-year-old.
This place is a soul right before it breaks apart.
Bang. Bang.
Something shatters and the world goes red.
iii.
“And what makes you feel like you’re qualified for this job?”
Castiel is in an office again. This one appears to be much nicer than the first one. He’s sitting in a comfortable chair across a desk from an older woman in a dark gray suit. She’s tapping a pen impatiently against a candy dish on the desk waiting for his answer.
“I’m sorry?” Castiel says.
The woman sighs, glances at her watch and frowns. “We’re on a very tight schedule here.”
“Can you repeat the question?”
“I can’t say you’re making a very favorable impression,” the woman says. “What makes you feel that you are qualified to rule Hell?”
“What? I’m not. I don’t want that job. I don’t know why I’m here.”
“Hmm,” the woman says, frowning. “Honestly I don’t see how you’re suited for any other sort of job considering your current career choices.”
“Dean…” Castiel starts to say, but gets interrupted.
“Dean does not represent a viable long term career plan. Wouldn’t you agree?”
“No, I don’t agree.”
The woman shakes her head and makes a note on the legal pad in front of her. “You’re a very disappointing candidate. We had such high hopes for you too.”
“I don’t want to rule Hell. I want to leave here,” Castiel demands.
“Though I can’t say the other candidates have been all that impressive,” the woman continues. “I suppose you would do in a pinch.”
“I don’t want this.”
“I really thought angels were supposed to be team players,” she says making another note on her legal pad.
“I want…”
“Angels aren’t supposed to want, Castiel.”
“I need…”
“Angels aren’t supposed to do that either,” she lectures.
“Dean…”
“Dean has been very detrimental to your career. You had such a bright future ahead of you, too. It’s such a shame. If you’re not interesting in this job then I’m going to have to get rid of you. We can’t have loose ends walking around. I’m sure you understand.”
The Colt is in her hands before Castiel can even blink. “Bang bang?” he asks.
The woman smiles at him. “Exactly. There may be hope for you yet.” And then she pulls the trigger.
iv.
“Interesting. I’m either higher then I thought or there are now two of me in this room.”
Castiel looks up and sees some version of himself looking down.
“I think I should go get Dean,” his other self says.
“No!” Castiel begs, but his other self either doesn’t hear him or ignores him and leaves the room.
Castiel closes his eyes and wills himself to be anywhere but here. When that doesn’t work, he tries to leave the room through the door, but is entirely unsurprised when he ends up right back in the room.
He hears them coming. “I told you those were way too many mushrooms,” Dean laughs.
“I’m not hallucinating. He’s in there,” his other self protests.
The door opens and Castiel sees an older version of Dean smirking, and then Dean catches site of him and the smirk falls off his face.
“Cas,” Dean says. “Go away. I’ll talk to him myself.”
“I really think I should be here when you question me,” his other self says and then starts to laugh.
“Cas, get the hell out of here,” Dean orders.
His other self takes a looks at Dean’s face, nods, and shoots Castiel an unreadable look before leaving. It terrifies Castiel that he doesn’t know what this version of himself is thinking. He doesn’t want to consider what that might mean.
“You’re from the past, right?” Dean asks. There’s no warmth at all his voice and Castiel has to force himself not to step away as Dean comes closer.
It doesn’t hurt to look in this Dean’s eyes. He doesn’t feel anything at all and that’s even more terrifying. Still, he reaches out a hand, almost involuntarily, because he put Dean back together after Hell, he wants to fix this Dean too.
His hand rests on Dean’s shoulder and he feels Dean flinch under his hand.
“I don’t think so,” Castiel says. “At least, I don’t think this is my future.”
Suddenly Dean is shoving him up against the wall and punching him. The punches don’t hurt, but the pain in Dean’s eyes does. “You promised,” Dean shouts. “You promised me you wouldn’t change.”
“I won’t,” Castiel says. “I promise. I won’t let this happen to you. This isn’t real, Dean.”
Dean breathes in and out a few times. It almost sounds like laughter. “You know things are fucked up when being told you don’t exist makes you feel better.”
“This isn’t real,” Castiel repeats, whispering the words into Dean’s neck. Castiel isn’t sure if he’s trying to convince Dean or himself.
Dean pulls away from him for a second and stares at him. He looks so lost and there’s nothing Castiel can do about it. This Dean can’t be saved.
“I did this too late here,” Dean says, his thumb brushing up against Castiel’s lips. “I need to know what could have been.”
Castiel nods and closes his eyes. He feels Dean’s lips against his and all he can taste is ash. Suddenly, he’s desperate to find some trace of his Dean in this one and he’s pulling at Dean’s hair, biting at his lips, using his tongue to push inside, and Dean is letting him do whatever he wants. But beneath the ash, there’s nothing at all, and Castiel eventually pulls away. Dean is mouthing at Castiel’s neck, his fingers digging into Castiel’s back hard enough to leave bruises if Castiel were human.
“I’m sorry, Dean,” Castiel says, pulling away. “I’m so sorry.”
“How do we make this all go away?” Dean demands. He’s still holding onto Castiel, but he’s turned his head away.
“I think you need to shoot me,” Castiel says.
Dean laughs. “You always hurt the ones you love, right?”
Castiel wishes desperately he could tell Dean that isn’t true, but he’s never really learned how to lie.
“Just shoot you? And this will all go away?” Dean asks.
“Yes,” Castiel says.
Dean pulls out his gun and watches in wonder as it transforms into the Colt before his eyes.
“It’s not real, Dean.”
“Right,” Dean nods and points the gun at Castiel. “Promise me.”
“I promise I won’t change,” Castiel says.
“Liar,” Dean says as he pulls the trigger. “Everything changes.”
Bang. Bang.
Castiel hits the ground and when he looks up, his Dean is there looking down in horror.
Castiel smiles up at him. He wants to tell him it’s okay, that this isn’t real, but what comes out is: “Bang. Bang.”
And then everything goes white.
v.
Snap. Chew. Chew. Chew. Snap. Snap. Chew. Snap. Snap. Snap. Bubble. Snap.
“Do you want to file a missing person’s report or not?”
Castiel has no clue how he got back here. The last thing he remembers is Dean.
“I need to get back to Dean,” Castiel says.
“I though you were trying to find God,” the woman says.
“I am,” Castiel says.
“You can only file one report at time. Which is it? God or Dean?”
Castiel stares at her.
She snaps her gum. “Come on. I don’t have all day. You have to choose.”
“No, I don’t.” He’s too confused to be angry.
“I don’t make the rules, honey. Choose.”
“Dean,” Castiel says. “It’s always Dean.”
“Well, why didn’t you say so to begin with?” she says with a roll of her eyes. “You would have saved us all so much paper work.”
“Are you going to shoot me again?” Castiel asks.
She sighs. “If you insist on all the dramatics. It would be easier on everyone if you just woke up.”
“I’m not…”
“Oh honey, you are.”
“Angels don’t…”
“Whatever,” she says and starts digging through her desk drawer, pulling out three different types of nail polish, two calculators, and four candy bars before finally pulling out the gun. “Are you sure you don’t want to just wake up?”
“Bang. Bang,” Castiel says.
“Yeah, whatever,” she replies and pulls the trigger.
vi.
Someone is shaking Castiel. It’s not pleasant. Castiel wants them to go away.
“Hey Dorothy, time to come back from Oz,” Dean says.
Castiel’s eyes fly open. “What happened?”
Dean and Sam are peering down at him looking worried.
Castiel looks around and realizes that he’s lying on a bed in Dean and Sam’s motel room. He has no memory of how he got here.
“You tell us,” Dean demands. “We found you here thrashing around on the bed like you were having a nightmare.”
“Angels don’t sleep or dream, Dean,” Castiel says automatically.
“Yeah, whatever, Sleeping Beauty.” Dean replies.
“What did you see when you weren’t sleeping?” Sam asks. “It didn’t look fun.”
“I don’t remember,” Castiel says. It’s not a lie, but it’s not really the truth either. He remembers gum. He remembers guns. He remembers Dean’s thumb brushing against his lip. “I need to figure out what happened.”
Dean grabs hold of his wrist. “Don’t go disappearing. We’ll figure this out.”
But it’s all too much for Castiel and he disappears anyway.
vii.
Castiel tries a playground first, but discovers that he can’t watch children right now. He settles instead for a lake. It’s winter and the lake is just starting to freeze over. It’s peaceful watching the lake cool and the ice slowly spread.
“You are honestly watching a lake freeze. Congratulations, Castiel, I think you found something more boring than watching paint dry.”
Castiel tenses and looks over to see Gabriel sitting next to him, some sort of lollipop hanging from his mouth.
“You did that to me,” Castiel accuses.
“Did what to you?” Gabriel asks.
“The dreams.”
“Angels don’t dream, dumbass.”
“The visions, then,” Castiel clarifies.
“Was there candy and naked women?”
“No!”
Gabriel shrugs. “Not my style then.”
“What are you doing here?”
“There’s a thing,” Gabriel explains. “A war council or something. Our side and their side meet to discuss rules and etiquette. I think it was that dick Zachariah’s idea..”
“I didn’t think you had a side,” Castiel says.
Gabriel shrugs. “I’m bored. It’s a stupid idea. Get more than one archangel together in one place and it always turns into really screwed up group therapy. Hi, my name is Gabriel and I was the unloved middle child and ended up acting out in inappropriate ways.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Castiel demands.
“Just thought you should know.” Gabriel says. “Want a Tootsie Pop? Don’t bother trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center. I figured that out a long time ago.”
“No,” Castiel says. “What is happening?”
“Bang bang, Cas,” Gabriel whispers.
“What?”
“Bye, Castiel,” Gabriel says and then disappears.
viii.
“Dean,” Castiel says.
Dean is pouring himself coffee when Castiel appears back in the hotel room. He spills a little on his hand at Castiel’s appearance. “Damn it, Cas!”
“Sorry.”
“Are you feeling better now?” Dean asks after he wipes up the spill.
“Not really,” Castiel says.
“Remember anything from your not-dreams?” Dean asks.
“I’ve decided they were visions,” Castiel says.
“Good for you.”
“I remember a few things.”
“Important Lucifer-killing, world-saving things?” Dean asks.
“I’m not sure. I remember your thumb.”
“I don’t think my thumb is going to do any good against Lucifer.”
“It was on my lip,” Castiel says.
“Cas,” Dean says looking uncomfortable. “You don’t need to share. Really.”
Castiel grabs hold of Dean’s face between his hands. “Yes, I do. Your thumb was on my lip and you said it was too late. You need to know that it’s not too late now.”
“Cas, what happened to you?”
Castiel sighs. “Where’s the Colt?”
Dean looks confused at the change in conversation. “It’s locked in the trunk. It’s safe. Cas, what happened?”
“I have to go,” Castiel says and then without even thinking about it, he brushes his lips against Dean’s. “I’ll be back.”
ix.
Castiel knew what the word stupid meant before he pulled Dean Winchester out of Hell, but he didn’t really understand, doesn’t think anyone can really understand what true stupidity is until they spend time with Dean.
There’s a strange satisfaction in realizing as he appears in front of Zachariah that he is currently engaging in stupidity that would make even in Dean Winchester proud.
“Castiel,” Zachariah says. “What are you doing here? Did Dean fall down a well?”
Lucifer, Gabriel, and Raphael are watching him. They could all destroy him in a second, but everyone is waiting to see what happens next.
“This is a meeting for grownups, Castiel,” Zachariah says. “You don’t qualify.”
“I don’t qualify as a grownup either,” Gabriel says. “Can I leave?”
Castiel pulls out the Colt and points it at Lucifer.
Lucifer laughs. “Dean already tried that. It doesn’t work. I think it fixed a crick in my neck, though, so feel free to try again.”
Castiel ignores him and turns in the other direction.
“Bang. Bang,” Castiel whispers and then shoots Zachariah in the face.
Raphael tries to do something, but Gabriel pulls him back down saying something to him that Castiel can’t hear. He just watches transfixed as Zachariah ceases to exist.
Lucifer looks shocked and then a delighted grin appears on his face. “I think I like him,” Lucifer says quietly. “He’s got style.”
“He’s definitely going places,” Gabriel agrees.
Castiel is back in Dean and Sam’s motel room before he realizes they were talking about him.
x.
There’s a thumb on his lip.
“It’s not too late?” Dean asks.
Castiel shakes his head. “I was wrong.”
Dean moves to pull his thumb away. Castiel grabs hold of it.
“It’s always been too late, but if everything is wrong, it just means we can choose our own right.”
Dean frowns at him “That doesn’t seem like very angel-like reasoning.”
“I’m considering a new career path,” Castiel says and then leans forward to kiss Dean.
“Porn star?” Dean asks before pushing him down on the bed and kissing him back.
Castiel isn’t paying much attention to what Dean tastes like. He’s too focused on rolling over so that he can press Dean down onto the bed. He likes the way they fit together. He likes the noises Dean is making as he rubs up against him. Most of all, he likes the fact that maybe holding Dean like this, he can keep Dean from ever breaking again.
“Promise me you’ll never change, Dean,” Castiel says.
Dean kisses his neck. “Everything changes, Cas.”
xi.
“I’m glad to hear that you are reconsidering our offer,” the woman says. She’s refilling the candy dish as she talks to Castiel.
“What sort of benefits are there with this job?” Castiel asks.
“What sort of benefits are you looking for?” she asks.
Castiel thinks about Dean and the way he fell asleep with his arm flung across Castiel’s stomach. “This is a dream, isn’t it?”
“This is whatever you want it to be,” she explains.
“I want Dean,” Castiel says.
“Everyone already knows that. It’s all listed in your benefits package.”
“Fine,” Castiel says.
“We have a deal?” she asks.
Castiel frowns at the word. “We have an agreement.”
“Whatever,” she says and passes over the Colt.
“This isn’t real,” he says.
“It’s whatever you make it,” she explains.
He takes hold of the gun. It feels real. He points it at her. “Bang. Bang.”
He wakes up in Dean’s arms. |
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